Sex can be about a lot of things: love, appetite, money, revenge, conception. Lately, for me, it’s been about power. It’s about the way my movements can turn an invited aggressor into something soft and vulnerable. When I tap into the power of my body, my stare, I can change the atmosphere around us and suddenly it’s him sinking into my body, nestling into the protection of my skin with every thrust and grunt. But when it’s me looking down on him, the power changes and I’m no longer a cushion for his hard edges. Every movement’s intention is to release fear and welcome worship. I am the goddess of his idolatry and his gaze feeds me. I am no longer timid, nervous, quiet, or docile; in that moment we gnash our hips and our teeth to bring closer and hold back an inevitable climax and even with closed eyes I feel his adoration on his fingertips and in his violent palms and I can hear the breaths that get caught in his throat while his hand catches mine. After the collapse comes the linger, and it’s in this lingering that I feel victorious. You are no longer angry, you are no longer keen, you are a puddle of man evaporating into the air in my room. I watch parts of you drift and what remains is a resuscitated man; hungry and radiant. I did that for you.
Sex is such a pure raw form of magick; the way energies intertwine with each other and attempt to make new life. What I love about it is the exchange of energy when the passion is dominating more than anything. Rough romance is an art within the art of sex; as an alpha woman or Queen, there's nothing like being praised yet dominated and taken care of.
I hate when sex is abused because of how beautiful it is, but what I mean by abused is using it as a crutch to fill a void, a tool for manipulation or revenge, and when the divinity isn't acknowledged.
Sex isn't just for reproduction or to climax but it's also a tool to cleanse and liberate energy inside of us. It's powerful.
An endless journey to find the person who is capable of stimulation of both pussy and mind. Who knew it would be so hard to find good dick and admiration? The person I've been nastiest with is the one I've despise the most. A perfectionist of sorts, good dick has always been hard to find.
"Finding myself" turned into endless dick appointments penciled in often erased over time. Casual sex fades to disinterest. Disinterest transitions to a new chase, the cycle continues. An endless cycle of desiring more - a "more" that seems intangible. What am I doing wrong? I'm beautiful, intelligent, ambitious and funny.Those qualities don't matter when you're a white woman with a fat ass.
"You'll be wifed up soon, I don't know why you're worried" they say, as they tell me they have a girl mid-stroke. "You're the perfect side chick, you're always busy and you wouldn't break up a happy home," what makes you believe that's what I aspire to? How did I even land myself in this situation and am comfortable with giving a man something his girl can't provide him? He admittance of fantasizing about my mouf and my pussy was a turnon until I remembered his heart was elsewhere.
Sex that involves connection is what I crave the most. A connection that encourages spontaneous sex in the bathroom, the dressing room, a hotel in Times Square. Sex that doesn't leave me wanting more because I was taken care of for once. Sex that is in the moment, nothing else is on our minds but the present. Sex that forces me to moan, scream, laugh and say the nastiest shit - all in one session. Love making that has no limits and is bursting with passion, aggression, desire and seduction.
My vice. My stress reliever. What empowers me like none other. It's incredible how something you love so much can slowly turn into an act that you hate. What I need is not what I'm receiving. What I need is real and real seems so impossible in NYC at age 25.
I learned from a very young age about my sexual power. I don’t mean the power it had over others. I mean with self; the power of loving your own body. Understanding it and how we can love and touch ourselves in order to reach a nirvana. Coming to this realization at such a young age allowed me to grow up with a healthy mindset about sex regardless of the many times people tried to rob me of it, through rape, exploitation, and shame.
In time I was able to overcome that pain. It didn’t come easy. I spent periods in my life getting lost, even addicted to engaging in pleasure less sex. Wanting to feel numb I drowned my emotions into alcohol, drugs, and bodies. I created a dark empty place for myself, a place I could use as an escape. I felt that was the only way to get my power back, to claim a place within myself I had true control over.
But all of these indulgences were in vain. Every time I escaped, I left a piece of myself behind. I was becoming an emotionless void. It stopped feeling good. I stopped feeling anything. Growing up and knowing that sex was full of potent glorious energy; that sex was supposed to feel good, I knew deep down this wasn’t what it was supposed to be. That part of me hidden by the dark space shouted out through that void screaming to be heard, “What the fuck are you doing?”
From there I eventually realized getting lost in other people sexually was not the answer and I needed to heal my womb. So I went on a period of celibacy, going back to the beginning of my love of sex – my love for myself. Falling in love with my body and remembering the beauty and powerful energy my yoni held was the key to begin that self-healing process.
Having a positive outlook on sexual energy led me to enter into the fetish community, a community that is all about trust and recognition. I found a space where people loved themselves and were honest with who they were. Where you were able to express your deepest darkest desires without judgment. This allowed for true connection.
The fetish world was another step in my healing process. Through my involvement, I was able to be honest with myself again, able to discover what I enjoyed, how to please myself and not just my partner. Through this process I allowed myself to be vulnerable enough to see God again.
See, sex is a spiritual act. It is a sacred dance that aids in enlightenment. It is my favorite way to understand someone’s energy and soul. When you and your partner are in this intimate practice, you’re both at your most vulnerable. And if done right, all your chakras are opened and penetrated. An orgasm equates to blissful love energy. And pure love energy is God.
I will always love my relationship with sex. I love how much I love sex. Why would I ever be ashamed of something that is beautiful, fun, and uplifting? However society doesn’t like to see women have this powerful uplifting view on their bodies. Society looks down upon the women who love and take ownership of the sexual power they possess. It’s controversial for a woman to showcase her truest essence.
When a woman detaches herself from a man’s idea of the sexual woman, and owns up to what she feels exemplifies her own pleasure, that is when the male ego breaks. She no longer becomes the object of pleasure; instead she becomes problematic and vulgar for having a point of view on her own sexuality.
That stance against women and the ownership of their sexual energy is a hindrance on the power that a woman can cultivate if she had the support of men. That feminine divine sexual energy that a woman possesses, in partnership with male energy, is the gateway to a portal of pure bliss energy, a gateway to enlightenment, a gateway to God. Once we are able to get past judgment and collectively have a healthy mind about sex, only then will Nirvana truly be achieved.
If you knew me, you wouldn't necessarily consider me a highly sexual person (at least not in the "traditional" sense). I've only really had sex with people I was romantically involved with and most of them I was in a committed relationship with them. But as someone who identifies as demi-sexual (which is essentially when you are not physically sexually attracted to someone unless you have a strong emotional connection with them) it's hard to balance my identity and sexuality. I'm part of the small percentage who, despite being demi-sexual, has a decently high libido. Especially after being with my current boyfriend for so long, with whom I've had the strongest emotional bond than any other person; I realized how profoundly it affected my sexuality and how I connected with the person. I can be the most passionate lover and absolutely enjoy sex to its fullest when I'm with a person I care for deeply. And when that happens I feel the most connected to them and feel so in tune with their body and mind. I view sex as the most intimate and strongest experience you can have with someone and it has strengthened the bond I've had with my boyfriend, both sexually and in our relationship.
I grew up aware of my overly sexual drive, but timid about displaying it. Even though somehow it always seemed to seep out of my character. I was infatuated with the idea of sex before I had it. I craved the touch of someone else for years. I guess that's why I lost my virginity at such a young age, and trust me, he (let's call him R) kept pushing me to wait. I just turned 14, so I asked R for that as my gift. He was older than me by 2 years, and I still remember how excited yet torn he was about the entire experience. He wanted to fuck me so bad but he wanted me to retain my innocence. But as soon as we started making out, my monkey pjs were on the floor and I was on the bed in missionary position, wishing I wasn't in that position but enduring the entire painful experience because I couldn't wait for it to feel good, the way everyone always said it would. Funny story is I didn't technically lose it to him, but that's a tale of sadness I won't get into. It's important to who I am and how my sexuality emerged though, so I have accepted it. I was in a relationship with R for a while after and the sex wasn't the best, obviously, because I was young and learning. I didn't want to be bad at sex so every body movement of mine was all in the name of his climax. We eventually broke up and I was looking to explore more of my sexual side. My ego told me it was bad but my body wanted to feel good. I dated a few guys, had a lot of casual fuck arounds. I didn't really care about hoeing around, I was young and in need of affection. I didn't really desire sex much after bouncing around, shit got tiring. I started to love the feeling of teasing and connecting with my mind rather than my body. There was also a side of me that was still exploring me. I was 15 when I started to watch porn, lesbian porn being my favorite. I was always around so many women and I realized I really loved looking at them. I was 16 when I made it to second base with a girl. My entire body tingled from a kiss I can still remember it to this day. I also think that was the first person I genuinely fell in love with. I would sneak out at midnight to her house just to be able to touch her body and keep our secret away from our super strict parents. I always wanted to eat her cute little pussy. We kept it traditional, no toys for a while. Once a friend of mine introduced me to them though, God did I start abusing the shit out of them. I loved having control, but I easily gave into her dominate desires whenever she wanted. Balance in sex is everything. Anyway, long story short... that went down the drain... NEXT...
Hoe phase started up again, but no fucking was involved. I started to talk to guys again after a hiatus. It felt weird, like when you're a vegetarian starting to eat meat again. It was a really insecure period in my life. I think anyone can relate that any insecure, damaged person will find many different outlets. I found mine in drugs and getting face fucked by this one guy (P) I poured my crocodile tears in a cup for him to drink. P was so bad for me and it made me love him even more. But this kind of love was different; it was the addictive kind of love. I lost so many friends in the pursuit of filling a void with a nigga. I didn't even love the sex yet at that point either. I just loved the attention. P was interested in getting his nut and I was interested in swallowing. I met a guy (F) after I gave up on feeling sorry for myself. F pulled me out of my dark place and I started to see the color yellow again. He was my best friend so it was easy for me to just associate everything we did as pleasurable. I never liked to ride; previous encounters made me feel like I wasn't good at it, so I stuck to good old fashioned doggy style. Little by little I started to open up more with myself and my partner. I trusted
F, so I didn't feel ashamed to look stupid. I started to experiment more, new positions, different locations, blindfolds, food, lighting, traveling, anal, etc. There's one night we had that I'll never forget.
F rented out a hotel, scooped me up from work, chocolate, wine, flowers, and shrooms were at my disposal. I normally hate all this gushy love stuff, but I was flattered because no one had ever done that for me before. I fucked him with my whole heart and soul that night. I was starting to come alive again. F loved when my pussy wasn't shaved and he made me feel like a woman who was worthy of so much more... so I cheated on him cause I wanted more and better. I know, I know, I'm fucked up. But shit happens and we move on. I was doing this half F, half side nigga (D) thing for a while. It fucked my head up crazy. I knew my pussy was bomb though because they were both fighting to keep me around. I obviously wasn't 100% present with either of them and I knew that's what they were fighting for. I started to hate having sex with F and craving the side D. D's dick was so nice and long and fat. It was the first time I had sex with someone and even though it was wrong, it felt sooooo right. F opened me up to experimenting, but D introduced me to selfishness in bed. D would remind me that my orgasm was worth way more than his and my body movements should maneuver the way I wanted to feel, because it'll always feel good to him regardless. That was the first guy to give me an orgasm off his dick. And after that I was ad-dick-ed. Dubbed F eventually, just to continue to get D. I didn't think I was that great at sex until D came along. He taught me how a small change in my body positioning could make both of us feel so much better. I wasn't always super horny, but he was and I was fucking him for his sake more, even though it felt good for me too. We always had great communication about what we wanted sexually and it kept our sex life very interesting and healthy. The only expectation he had from me was to shave my pussy and I hated it. I would never do it because I'm a natural rebel, so he stopped eating me out. We had our fall outs, funny how that was the start of it all. But the dick was so bomb I shaved and came back for it again after a few months of being alone and sexually deprived. This time around I was the one who was always horny, to the point where he couldn't always handle fucking me all the time. So we started to play around more. Foreplay became a big thing for us. He prided himself off of getting me so wet I begged to get fucked. And he wouldn't fuck me until I begged. I was so submissive to his desires. But he was so submissive to my orgasm. My favorite game was getting my hands and legs tied up together and a nice blindfold to keep me surprised. I would get smacked around, gently, but sturdy, so it hurt but never enough to make want less of it. I loved the rope burn feeling once I was finally let loose. Our sex never got boring, our lives just started to change. He's still my favorite, and we see each other when we can. I still want to have a threesome with him. I know it'll be fun. Sex with him makes me feel like a woman and I will always appreciate that. But I think womanhood in general has introduced me to feeling pleasure in a way I never could've when I was younger. So my advice to girls would be to wait as long as you possibly can because your body will receive sex as a gift when it’s ready, rather than forcing the feeling when you're younger. Some things are just worth the wait, trust me.